Snot Rocket Read online

  Copyright © 2019 by Susan Berran

  First published in 2015 by Big Sky Publishing Pty Ltd, New South Wales, Australia

  First Racehorse for Young Readers Edition 2019

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Racehorse for Young Readers, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  Racehorse for Young Readers books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Racehorse for Young Readers, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or [email protected].

  Racehorse for Young Readers™ is a pending trademark of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  Cover design and typesetting by Think Productions

  Cover and interior illustrations by Pat Kan

  Print ISBN: 978-1-63158-334-6

  Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63158-337-7

  Printed in the United States of America

  Ok so I’m just letting you know that it gets reeeally reeeally gross in here so if you have a weak stomach . . . get a bucket just in case!

  For Mel,

  my inspiration

  CONTENTS

  Why Are Boogers Green?

  Mom’s Birthday Dinner Barf

  Can I Put “Toe-Jam” on Toast?

  Are Zits Just Tiny Human Volcanoes?

  The Fart Factor

  Don’t you hate it when you have a cold and your mom keeps bugging you to study your snot? It’s bad enough that you’re coughing and sneezing all over the place but then you blow your nose and suddenly the most important thing in the world to your mom is “What color is it?!”

  I don’t know and I don’t care! But no no, I have to look at it and decide on its color. I mean really . . . anything else you’d like to know, Mom? You know, like texture, stretchiness? Should I stick my finger in it for thirty seconds to guess the temperature?

  I blow my nose and there’s enough snot to fill an Olympic swimming pool and the last thing I want to do is keep the tissue and open it so that I can look at it. It’s like trying to hold jelly with soapy hands. It’s rolling about in there and sloshing up the edges trying to escape while at the same time soaking the tissue more and more so that it can break through and end up sitting in the palm of my hand at any second now.

  But can’t I just throw it away? Nope. Because every single time I blow . . . “What color is it now?” Arrrh! I’ve got a better idea . . . here’s my snot-filled tissue Mom, you have a look at it!

  Apparently, there’s some sort of secret code in the color that tells our moms just how sick we are. Yep, don’t worry about going to the doctor’s. They’ve only studied medicine at university for years and years . . . Mom just needs to find out the color of my snot to instantly know how sick I am.

  I wish I knew which color meant what. Then I could just soak the right colored marker in the pool of snot to get the color that means “you’re too sick to go to school today.”

  And Mom gets all cranky if I try and do the right thing and tell her exactly what color it is. Like this morning when she asked about the color and I said “chartreuse.” Boy did she hit the roof. Then she started nagging on and on about how I wasn’t too sick to be a smartbutt! Hey, I was just trying to be accurate. It was yellowy green after all.

  And there’s heaps of varying shades of yellowy green and browny green. But if you take a really close, microscopic look you can see that it’s always a shade of green . . . and I reckon I know why.

  When you spit, it’s pretty much just clear gunk. But! Your boogers are laying around in your nose for ages because it all gets stuck around the tiny little hairs inside your nostrils . . . right?!

  Well I reckon your nose mucus is just like cheese. The longer you leave it in there, the moldier and greener it gets. Simple. And when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. The longer it stays, the moldier it gets. The moldier it gets, the greener it gets, and eventually it gets so moldy that you get sick. And when you get sick, you blow your nose and guess what . . . moldy boogers, it’s green!

  So there you are. Picking your nose gets rid of all the old stuff so that it doesn’t go moldy.

  Which is proof that the more you pick your nose, the healthier you’ll be.

  But then again, I reckon boogers might actually be brain leakage.

  Yep, some of the kids at my school that pick their nose are definitely pulling out brain.

  Toffee Thomas shoves his fingers up his nostrils right up to his elbows! Then he scrapes the sides to make sure that he doesn’t miss any and wiggles his fingers around in there like he’s mixing paint.

  I reckon his brain’s probably been mashed up like a bowl of jelly. So I’m pretty sure it’s not boogers he’s yanking out of his nostrils . . . it’s bits of chopped up brain.

  So maybe picking your nose isn’t such a good idea after all!

  Boogers! One of the most amazing, fantastic, totally awesome, and versatile forms of mucus ever in the whole entire universe.

  Yep, I figure that whoever made “cavemen” chucked a few guys and girls onto Earth, tossed in some animals and plants and other junk, then took off. Naturally, cavemen weren’t very bright, so they wandered around all day with these real “derrr” looks on their face and dribble dripping from the corner of their mouths. Just walkin’ around banging into boulders, letting dinosaurs eat them, stepping on snakes, and eating cactus and other stuff like that. Walking, smacking into stuff, being eaten, getting poisoned . . . walking, smacking, eaten, poisoned . . . “Derrr” smack, thud, arghh! “Derrr” smack, thud, arghh! So of course the moment they stopped being eaten by dinosaurs and ate them instead, the men’s brains started to grow. And that’s when they realized that they were utterly and totally bored!

  So, what was caveman’s first invention? No, it was not the wheel. It was the Booger!

  Yep, the most incredibly awesome invention ever! The Booger . . . it’s a toy to play with, a tool to work with, or a friend for you to cuddle up to at bedtime, and it’s a snack when you think no one else is watching. And for the last gazillion years, all around the world we’ve been thinking up more and more things to do with our very own amazing boogers.

  Make your very own magical slimy skipping rope that automatically gets longer and longer as you skip. Simply start skipping by yourself and within minutes your “skipping rope” has grown long enough for your best friend to join you. A few more skips and it’s stretching even further. So in hop a few more of your friends and so on and so on. Soon you’ll be the most popular kid in school and everyone will be lined up waiting for their turn to join in the skipping as your “booger rope” continues to grow and grow before your very eyes. With a bit of practice you might even set a new world record for the most kids skipping along a “booger rope” at once.

  What about a game of “Tug-a-booger”? The hardest part of this game will be finding anyone who wants to hold onto it.

  Or what about a really bouncy yoyo to hang from your fingertip and play with for ages. And the best part is, no one wants to nick it off you.

  But how do you get these amazing, fantasmagorical toys?

  Well, imagine you’re very slowly and carefully pulling a reeeeally long strand of sloppy, way overcooked spaghetti through a keyhole. Don’t pull too fast or it’ll snap! Don’t hold too
tight or it’ll squish in your hands!

  Ok . . . have you got that picture in your head? Now, imagine the keyhole is your nostril and the spaghetti is . . . yep you guessed it! Your boogers! And once you master the art of collecting boogers, there’s no end of things that you can do with it.

  What about a nice big blob of “putty boogers” to mold and shape into anything your imagination can think up. Cars, planes, statues, a rocket ship to the moon! You could actually make a whole miniature town if you wanted to. With little booger people and tiny booger babies. Maybe a few snotty dogs, some spotty snotty dogs, some booger buildings and houses. Oh yeah, some tiny booger buses and nostril taffy trains and taxis.

  Want to practice being a band leader and do some baton twirling, but you don’t have a baton? Simply tug out your nasal taffy and start swinging it around your head . . . just remember though, it will get longer and longer the faster you spin. Your baton could quickly turn into a deadly weapon. So don’t do it too close to anyone or you could end up snot-slappin’ them.

  Are your pants falling down? No worries! You’ve always got your slimy spare belt right there up in your nostrils. And when you’re finished playing with your mucus masterpieces, here’s the best bit . . . you can stand back and toss it as hard as you can at a closed window, mirror, or glass door. Splaaattt! Your little phlegm figure will stick to the glass and start to “walk” down the glass by flip-flopping over and over . . . bloop bloop bloop . . . just like those weird, slimy “window walker” toys that they sell in the stores. And yours is free!

  But by far the most popular use of this fantastic phlegm is food. Yep, food! It’s consumed all around the world. I mean, if you think about it for just a second . . . you swallow your own spit don’t you? Well, snot is just spit that traveled too high in your head and started to set like custard! And it’s not that gross really . . . heaps of people eat salty snails and raw oysters. Eeeeew! How totally disgusting is that?!

  One of the best things though is that you can get different colors! Which is especially great if you’re making a little model town or something like that. You can get a nice see-through, clear booger . . . but when your boogers are clear they’re usually too sloppy and runny to do much with.

  You can also get nice lemony, yellowy colored boogers. These are better than the clear ones because they’ve “set” a bit longer, so they’re slightly stretchier and rubbery. Just right for slathering onto your very annoying, archenemy’s laptop screen while you’re at school. It’s really funny! When they try to open their laptop it’s sort of suctioned together. But slooowly they begin to open it as the boogers stretch further and further apart until . . . twang! Slammm! The top suddenly slams back down and just about snaps the persons fingers in two! I love it!

  But the best place to see a nose-picker in action is at school. I reckon that every single school in the whole world has at least one professional “nose-picker.” Yep you’ll always find at least one big, green, slimy string eating, taffy-tugging, nose-pickin’ kid in any school. Whether it’s the crappiest, worst school in the world or the snobbiest, richest school on the planet. It definitely doesn’t make any difference.

  But there is always a heap more of the nostril “taffy tuggers” in the lower grades. The younger kids don’t seem to mind having their little “snack” right there in front of everyone.

  One time I had to go to this totally dorky school show thingy just because my stupid little five-year-old cousin, Nevil, was in it. It was sooo boooring! The kids were all dressed like pieces of fruit and stuff and singing some really lame, dumb song. It went on and on and on for about ten hundred years. Well that’s what it felt like anyway. The little dorkus was standing up there on stage, right in the front row of his class. He was supposed to be a raisin. But I still reckon he looked like a giant rabbit poop.

  There were hundreds of people in the audience with cameras flashing, videos recording, and big cheesy grins glued right across their faces. The Mayor was sitting dead center in the front row as guest of honor. Suddenly, right in the middle of their “I Love Fruit” song, up goes Nevil’s right index finger, shooting straight into the left nostril. He shoved it all the way in there, right up to the second knuckle and gave it a nice long twisting twirl all the way around, kind of like when they wind cotton candy onto a stick at the fair. Then yank, out came the booger, twang, the length of snot snapped, gulp, and the booger was gone, down his throat in a split second . . . all while still singing. Wow, he really was talented!

  As Nevil served himself the little snot snack the crowd’s grins turned to grimaces, the oooohhhs turned to eeews. I was absolutely wettin’ myself laughing. It was hilarious! Mom kept jabbing me in the ribs and staring at me with daggers in her eyes. My Aunty, Nevil’s mom, went the brightest fire engine red that I’d ever seen in my entire life. Her whole face looked like a massive “stop light” because she was sooo embarrassed. And when I was finally able to see properly, after wiping away the laughter tears from my eyes, I looked up and . . . he did it again! But both nostrils this time! And you could actually hear his voice change. As his fingers dove in and blocked his nose it sounded as if he’d suddenly gone into a tunnel. He twirled both fingers around and around in there and poked and prodded and dug. It was like some well-rehearsed finger dance, they were both in perfect timing together. Then thoop thoop, twang twang, gulp gulp. I was totally in hysterics! My guts were killin’ me from laughing and so was half the audience. Nevil’s mom was sooo red that she was lighting up the whole hall with her bright red glow. It was by far the best part of the whole entire show! My guts were aching for days afterwards.

  I bet there’s something like a bazillion parents out there with videos of their kid pickin’ their nose.

  Little kids really don’t care where they are either. I reckon even the Queen could be visiting and some really cute little girl, all dressed up in a pink frilly dress and cleaned till she shines, would step up to hand the Queen a bouquet of flowers with one hand and have the other one stuck up her nostril checking out what’s on the green “snack” menu.

  But of course as they get older, they get more secretive and start to sneak their “snacks” when they think no one is watching.

  I reckon our school “mucus munchers” should have their very own little secret snot pullin’ and snacking club . . . they could even have their very own secret handshake. Like, you have to use your “pickin” hand and firmly grab the other persons “pickin” hand, then very quickly rotate their hands three times clockwise, three times counterclockwise, then yank down quickly and let go while at the same time yelling twice, “Yum!”

  I’ve been spying on the snot snackers for ages and taking heaps of photos . . . I’m planning on selling the photos to raise money for a good cause . . . an awesome, brand-new skateboard and incredible stunt bike for me . . . I reckon that’s a very good cause.

  Anyway, so while I’ve been secretly watching the “phlegm floggers,” I’ve seen some really weird stuff too. If it wasn’t so gross it’d be totally awesome.

  It’s kinda like going to the zoo and watching the monkeys. You know how there’s always a whole group of them and they’re all sitting around scratching their butt, pickin’ fleas off each other, and just having a really good time pickin’ their nose . . . it’s totally disgusting. Or when they pick off each others fleas and carefully study them before eating them, mmmmm yummy. But do they just pick their nose and eat it? Nooo, they pull it out nice and slowly so that they can stretch it for as far as possible first. And then when the “string” finally breaks, they bounce it around on the end of their finger for ages like a living yoyo.

  It’s amazing how much stuff they can do with it. I’ve seen them rolling it about like a little jelly ball to play with, or twirling it in the air like a whip. The best one is when they stretch it out, hold one end, and then flick out the other end to catch insects like a frog’s tongue. That’s sooo funny. But eventually they’d always get around to eating it. Yep, it’s
sooo disgustingly gross but totally awesome at the same time that you just can’t bring yourself to look away.

  And that’s exactly how the kids in the “snot snackers” group look.

  Toffee Thomas is in my class at school and he’s like the champion of champions at “secret” nose picking so he would definitely be the president of the club. Yep, he’s the biggest “nasal phlegm eater” in school. He’s always got at least two fingers stuck up his nostrils. I’m pretty sure that he’s actually dug right through to his brain by now.

  Hey! Just think, if they did have a club they could make-up all of these “activities” with “phlegm mucus” and hold the Nasal Olympics!

  Yeah, they should definitely do that!

  Jeez I hate it when we have to go out for Mom or Dad’s “Birthday Bash Dinner.” Why couldn’t they just have a party at home like me? You know, have a few friends over, play Xbox, and make a few prank phone calls. It’s way more fun and you don’t have to get all dressed up in clothes that you only wear to a cousin’s wedding or something once every couple of years. But nooo it has to be “special.” Which just means that I have to spend ages doing my hair until Mom is happy that every single hair on my head is glued down and laying in a perfect line with so much “grease” in it that nits could use my head as a ski resort. And we all have to get really prissied-up to look totally dorky.

  Then I spend the whole night constantly looking every which way, searching to try and make sure that none of my friends are anywhere around so that they don’t see me. Otherwise I reckon there’d be pictures of me all over Facebook and I’d never hear the end of it.

  Of course I knew that Mom’s birthday dinner tonight was going to be the usual total disaster where no one ends up having a good time. Because my crybaby little brother, Bryan, isn’t allowed to run around and act like a crazy chimpanzee, I’m so bored that I have to shove a firecracker in my skull to wake up my brain every five minutes, and Mom’s her usual picky self and reckons the food is not hot, not cooked, and not cheap enough. And Dad just wanted to stay home and watch football.